Motherhood is a Choice

“Motherhood is a choice you make every day to put someone else’s happiness and well-being ahead of your own. To teach the hard lessons. To do the right thing, even when you’re not sure what the right thing is. And to forgive yourself over and over again for doing everything wrong.”  -Donna Bell

I used this quote as my Facebook cover photo recently. It speaks to me. It rings true. Motherhood simply cannot be understood until you are face-to-face with a human being who came from inside your body. A human being for whom you would do anything, endure anything and sacrifice everything. A human being for whom you would go to any lengths to protect, nurture and teach.

I think the “putting someone else’s happiness and well-being ahead of your own,” comes almost instantly. It’s instinctual. It’s primal. All the amazing moms I know do it without thinking.

The “teaching the hard lessons” part is a bit more difficult, but I've been working on it. Just last week I kicked a gum wrapper from the hallway right back into the kid’s room from whence it came. I did so not out of apathy or utter laziness, but in the spirit of teaching the difficult lessons of responsibility and self-sufficiency. Honestly—that’s why. I swear.

“Doing the right thing, even when you’re not sure what the right thing is,” gets a little dicey. And it only gets worse as they get older. If your kid’s plans for Halloween fall through and he’s disappointed, do you interfere in a way your kid specifically asks you not to if you know your interference will result in new plans and your kid feeling included? Yeah. You probably do. Is it the right thing to do? Who the hell knows?

I think the hardest part, though, is the, “forgiving yourself over and over again for doing everything wrong,” part. Also last week (the same week I kicked trash from the hall into a kid’s room and stuck my nose entirely too far into another’s business) I gave in to Lucy’s pleas to carry her to her room at bedtime. She’s a 90-pound human being at this point and as such, carrying her anywhere is no easy feat. Add to that the fact that she wanted to be carried upside-down and it was a tall order. But I eventually agreed. As I heaved her down the hall towards her bedroom, however, I stepped on her long hair, practically snatching her bald in one painful spot. After many tears (and countless apologies from me), she finally calmed down enough to speak coherently: “At least this will make a good entry in the Bad-Mommy Olympics.” That's my girl. She had obviously forgiven me, making it just a little bit easier for me to forgive myself. This time.

I’m hopeful the “over and over again” nature of the “doing everything wrong” will eventually make forgiving myself easier. I’m only 12 years in to this Motherhood thing and I still have a lot of years ahead of me. I think the “forgiving myself” part might come in baby steps. 

As a side note, when my love of this quote led me to research its author, Donna Bell, I discovered it can be attributed to (a) a New York bakery owner, (b) a Florida newscaster or (c) a Romanian-born porn star. Is it wrong that I hope it’s the porn star? If it is (wrong), I’m going to go ahead and forgive myself for that. Baby steps.