Bea Arthur is My Fashion Muse

I have an overwhelming desire to dress like Bea Arthur and menopause is entirely to blame.

Menopause is kicking my ass 19 different ways.  I counted. I should feel lucky—according to this website, it could be kicking my ass 34 different ways. But I’m having a harder time than usual looking on the bright side (#22, “Irritability,” is one of my 19 symptoms).

My biggest complaint (at the moment) is that a combination of symptoms #15, #28 and #32 is making it nearly impossible for me to get dressed every day. That's right, menopause has made me hate my clothes (and I really like clothes). Everything feels tight, itchy and generally uncomfortable. At least three times a week, this scenario plays out:

• I put on an outfit.
• It feels awful.
• Certain I've gained 15 pounds, I step on the scale.
• My weight is the same as it’s always been.
• I look in the mirror.
• The clothes look the same way they've always looked.
• I tug at them.
• I squirm uncomfortably.
• I try to find something else to wear.
• I lament my wardrobe’s shortage of downy-soft, over-sized, shapeless clothing that doesn't touch my body but is still acceptable to wear outside the house.
• I find myself coveting Bea Arthur’s wardrobe, and wishing I would gain 15 pounds so I could justify the expense of purchasing it.

(That last bullet point is a sentence you probably don’t hear every day.)

I’m just a tad on the young side for full-blown menopause, so many of my friends are not yet traveling this road. When I tell them I've entered menopause, they look at me sympathetically and ask about hot flashes and “feminine dryness,” like those are the worst things they could imagine. I have to tell you, of my 19 symptoms, hot flashes are the least of my worries. I’m a cold person and a well-timed hot flash is pretty much a dream come true for me. And it seems to me that “feminine dryness” is little more than a nuisance that could be managed with readily-available products. Someday I’ll probably have sex again and I guess I’ll find out. (Someday I will have sex again…right?)

When I tell these friends about the insufferable joint pain (#26), they say, "Isn't that just an ‘aging’ thing?” If I mention the increased anxiety (#21) they give me a blank stare. And just try telling your non-menopausal friends about #33—"Tingling Extremities." Menopause is one of those things that simply isn't discussed. It’s not polite, I suppose. But our impeccable manners have left women with no idea what to expect when entering into one of the biggest changes of our lives. Fortunately (?) for the uninitiated among you, I have a notoriously big mouth and I've never been much for manners.

If you’re not yet traveling this road, I feel it’s my duty to let you know that menopause is an asshole. An asshole who insists you dress like Bea Arthur. And sometimes yells at your kids when they don't deserve it (did I mention #19, “Irritability?”). On the bright side, though, if you can afford the wardrobe, it's super comfy.