I'm Not Sad...

...I'm depressed. Those are not the same. 


A year ago I wrote here about suffering from depression in a post called "Off My Meds". In the year that’s gone by since I wrote that piece, a lot of truly wonderful things have happened in my life and I have felt many moments of true joy. Friends are pleased to see me happy and assume that my depression is held at bay by that happiness. And I let them believe they’re right. The truth is not what they want to hear. “Now that these good things have happened, isn't it wonderful to not be depressed anymore? Isn't it a huge weight off your shoulders?”

And I say, “Yes, of course it is.” Because if I was still depressed, that would be wrong…right?

What people who don’t suffer often don’t understand is that depression simply doesn’t work that way. What people who don’t suffer often don’t understand is that I’m depressed, not sad.  Do I feel better when wonderful things happen in my life? Of course I do. But do I also still feel like I’m clawing my way out of a hole much of the time? Am I sometimes paralyzed with worry that I’ll ruin everything I touch (most terrifyingly, my children)? Am I racked with guilt for no discernible reason?  Honestly believe that most everything is my fault? Fight overwhelming urges to hide from the world? Sadly, yes. Because depression is not the same as sadness and it doesn't go away as easily. Maybe it never truly goes away at all. 

And I’m ashamed to admit that I have, at times, apologized for those feelings when I know that truly, I should not. Depression is not a weakness. It is not something for which anyone should apologize. My "apology" for suffering from depression can be found in the way I live my life and in the way I raise my wonderful children. My apology can be found in the strength of my character. My apology can be found in my desire to make a difference in the world. The way in which I "apologize" for my depression is, quite simply, to carry on with the business of living.

Do I still feel as if I’m hanging by a thread much of the time? Yes, I do and I will not apologize. But maybe I’ll learn to cling to my thread with a little more grace and even a bit of style. And just maybe I can even help you do the same.

A year ago I wrote here about suffering from depression. And in that piece, I wrote about feeling like I’m hanging by a thread. Many people reached out to me after I published that post and I identified with so much of what they wrote to me—each e-mail touching me more deeply than words can express. But one particular friend wrote something to me that truly struck a chord. She wrote, “I really, really like what you've done with the thread you're holding onto – it’s multi-strand and colorful, with a hint of glitter.” I have given that statement a lot of thought over the past year.

It’s easy to see that the strands of the thread I hold onto are my children, friends and family, as well as the many facets of my life, but this sweet friend’s words made me realize it just might be that hint of glitter in my thread that gets me through most days. And when I thought about it, really thought about it, I realized that hint of glitter is nothing more than "me" showing through. It's the light, the “oomph, ” the indefinable something special, that lives in all of us, if we just remember to look for it.

This same friend mentioned to me recently that she had been clinging to her own, non-glittery thread of late. So I sent her some sparkly thread in the mail - a reminder to look for the light inside herself. The light I can see so clearly.


And then I thought of another friend who might need a hint of glitter in her thread, so I sent her some too. Then I thought of another friend. And another. So I went back to the store and I bought more thread. If I send some to you and you don’t need it today, hang onto it for a day when you do (it's good to have on hand). Or pass it along to a friend who might need it right now.


Maybe if we all took just a little extra time to not only look for the light inside ourselves, but also to recognize and honor the light in each other, the world itself might seem more welcoming and supportive, more understanding…more kind. And maybe just a touch more glittery.

Who knows what might happen if we all stopped apologizing and wove a hint of glitter into the thread we’re hanging by.