A Pledge To My Friends

I crack myself up.

Occasionally I play a trick on a friend. A practical joke, a mischievous gag, an amusing hoax. It’s all very innocent, and truly, it happens so infrequently it’s hardly worth mentioning. But there was a harmless incident last weekend where a car-seat heater was turned on full-blast while we drove around on an 85-degree day. And that led to stories of things I've done to my long-suffering roommate, Maggie, in the name of a good laugh - most notably hiding Ben’s scary clown mask in her bed and regaling her with people's less-than-captivating Facebook posts. If you've ever posted about a diaper-change, the terrible heat/rain/cold/wind, your brand-new mop or a sale at JCPenney (and let’s face it, who among us hasn't?), I've probably tortured my roommate with it, setting her up every time with a wide-eyed gasp at my computer screen or a conspiratorial, “Oh my god, you will not believe this…”. Watching her stomp her foot, yell, “Dammit, Lori,” and huff in exasperation never gets old. In fact, I’m laughing just thinking about it.

Years ago I dated a man who was afraid of dolls (let's face it, they can be pretty creepy) and we once spent a night together at a bed and breakfast where the theme of our room was dolls. Seriously. And I didn't even arrange it – I swear! There were dolls everywhere, and old-fashioned sewing machines, and baskets of...wait for it...doll parts. I’m not kidding – I couldn't make this shit up. Who wouldn't sneak a few dismembered doll limbs into the bed when he wasn't looking? You know you would have done it too.

Also, I was once involved in a plot to stuff a friend’s bed full of cotton balls. Of course, she had an aversion to the feel of cotton balls – otherwise it wouldn't be funny, now would it?

And of course there’s the notorious hoax Troy and I pulled on the dear friend who set us up. Being the wonderful friend she is, Kelly was incredibly invested in how our first weekend together was going. So, on our second day together, Troy and I began sending her well-orchestrated, conflicting texts. Mine telling her what an amazing time I was having and how great I thought Troy was. His telling her how awkward things were, how we didn't have much in common and how he wasn't sure he’d make it through the rest of the weekend. Oh yeah – and my personal favorite – how I wasn't as “fit” as he thought I’d be. And while I feel truly remorseful about the anguish we caused our sweet friend that weekend, (we became, um… “distracted,” and failed to text in a timely manner our “gotcha” – a photo of the two of us, happy as could be, canoodling over a glass of wine at dinner) I still giggle just a little when I think about those texts. (Sorry, Kelly! We honestly don't deserve you.)

This weekend, Valerie, my dear friend, houseguest and the victim of the car-seat heater gag, claimed she was sleeping with one eye open after hearing about all my shenanigans. So to put her mind at ease, with Maggie’s help I began making a list of things I definitely would not do to a friend for a laugh. Perhaps not surprisingly, that list turned out to be pretty short, so I incorporated those items into a longer list – a pledge of sorts - a pledge to my friends. Here’s what I have so far.

• I will make you laugh while you shop for jeans or swimsuits no matter how much you hate to shop jeans or swimsuits.
• If you ask for a donut while I'm driving your drunk-ass home at 2:00 am, I will get you a donut. But don't blame me when you wake up wondering why there's a breakfast pastry on your chest.
• I will tell your boyfriend nice things about you. It goes without saying that I won’t sleep with him – this is not an episode of Real Housewives for heaven's sake.
• I will always laugh at your jokes (although occasionally it's because I’m drunk).
• I’ll remind you to wear sunscreen. 
• I‘ll drink with you and tell you when it’s time to stop. Ditto crying.
• I will always offer to kick your ex in the shins, although far too few of you take me up on it.
• I will remind your children that you are their mother, not their servant, that you have (by god) earned their respect and that "please" and "thank you" should not be reserved for occasional use. I will remind them as often as needed.

• I will not let you hug a possibly-crazy, somewhat-leacherous-but-mostly-harmless, drunk old man who never knows when to let go and occasionally licks people's faces. Unless you insist and then I'll stand by with a stun-gun. And a camera.
• I will remind you that you’re amazing, strong, brave, funny, beautiful, capable, desirable, worthy, smart and anything else you need to be reminded of...as often as you forget.
• Mostly I’ll just listen because as simple as that sounds, not enough people actually do it and everyone deserves to be heard.

This is my pledge to you, my friends. It’s a work in progress, not unlike me. I’m sure I’ll think of more promises the minute I post this. And who knows, maybe I’ll even come up with more things I wouldn't do to you for a good laugh.

But I’d definitely check my bed if I were you, just to be on the safe side. Ben’s scary clown mask can be pretty unnerving.